Transparency is so important in our relationship with Christ, especially as it pertains to our most trying seasons in life. My transparency with Jesus is what has allowed him to continue his work in me though every season I have encountered, but transparency was not always an easy thing for me.
At an early age I developed the idea that showing emotions would categorize me as a weak person.
I had a traumatic childhood that consisted of sexual molestation, physical and emotional abuse and sometimes faced life and death situations. I was the oldest sibling at home and so I would take on the “Mother” role over my sister and brothers. When danger approached I was often the one who would face it, holding back emotions that a child or teenager should normally feel during traumatic events. This coping mechanism kept me “safe” for most of my life, but everything changed about 3 years ago.
I was at the height of my Christianity so to speak: I was leading a ministry, actively involved in church, and running a thriving blog that was reaching people around the world, but it all came to a complete halt when I received an unexpected word from God.
He wanted to heal my childhood.
“My childhood?” I remember thinking, “But I am healed, I forgave everyone.” I didn’t understand the word from God and I pondered on it daily trying to figure out what he meant.
Weeks later, those words from God uncovered in my heart deep wounds I had buried at a young age.Traumatic memories I had never remembered began to surface one by one. Encountering this pain broke me and I became like a child clinging on to my poppa, God. I had never felt such sadness and had never experienced such heartbreak.
My days consisted of emotional roller coasters, one moment I was OK and the next I was having a melt down on my kitchen floor crying out to God. I had lost total control of my emotions and I didn’t understand it, but I knew this was part of God’s plan.
As a result, I stepped down from my ministry, leadership at church and shut down my blog. I understood the season God wanted me to enter into and I needed to allow him to do his work completely.
Three years later, my healing continues, going from one stage to another. Every stage is different and through every step I continue to trust God. Because of my healing, my relationship with God has grown deeper roots. I now know God not only as my Savior but as my Loving Father too, a relationship I never had growing up.
In the Bible there is a verse that describes seasons in our lives, even a season for healing (Ecc 3:1-8) and this is a season we cannot skip on our road towards wholeness in Christ.
Today I want to encourage you to not be afraid to allow God into the hidden chambers of your heart. There is no shame is showing pain, or fear, or discouragement. God’s love wants to fill you up completely, open up your heart to him and become transparent. He wants to walk with you, comfort you and strengthen you.
God is your Father, will you let him love you like one?
<3 Ruby E. Dieguez
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